I have written 90 songs since I got this laptop. I say "songs" and the people that know me best know that I just mean "lyrics" but 90... that's a pretty big number! Almost 100 songs in just a year. After Senior year... not being able to write anything... Having all these feelings inside me bursting to get out, but I couldn't write a word... 90 songs is huge. And with Barrett around, maybe things will start getting even better and those 90 "songs" might actually get some music and become just songs, without the quotation marks. I'm excited about this. I'm posting a couple of the newer ones on my other xanga. Go check them out, guys! 

Also, random side-note: There's a phenomenon on campus that makes me smile. I'm sitting in the entryway of Kaufman Hall, where my Russian class is, and I'm noticing how many times people hold doors for each other and say "Thank you." Pretty much every group of people that moves in or out at the same time does it. And people are returning the favor. It's a very friendly little place, this entryway. I almost like it better in here, seeing everyone being so polite and nice to each other, than I do anywhere else on campus. Sorry, just a weird little thing I noticed and wanted to talk about... I'm weird, I know.

Okay, so this weekend has been pretty great. I saw Barrett and Terry play Friday night with Lilly and Laura. Then Barrett and I stayed up way too late at our little sopt in Bixby... it was well worth it, though. Then I came back to OKC and went to the OU game with Mike. We won 79 to 10. North Texas is pretty much the worst team ever, apparently. Then Barrett came to my house down here and we had a lovely, lazy Sunday morning, went and had late lunch/early dinner at Chili's, watched Clerks II and he left. I miss him. I need to stop that haha. But he left some of his cologne here haha

Today, I'm going to try to be productive. Beth and I are gonna clean up the back yard some and clean out the hot tub, so that we can start using it again as fall sets in. Plus, I have some reading to do and some writing to do. I have my first paper due on Thursday. I'm not worried about it, but I should probably start working on it a little.

Ya know, it was really nice having a friend down this weekend. My friends should consider coming to see me more often.

I've been realizing some not-so-good stuff about myself recently. I've turned into a pretty selfish person. I think the last year of being miserable has kind of jaded me and I have this air of entitlement (strangely like another person I know) that disgusts me. It seems like I'm acting as if the world owes me something for having a terrible first year at OU. And even stranger, I realize it, I acknowledge it, but it's going to be difficult to harness. Last night, Carmen (who has done so much for me this summer, from taking me to a casino for my first time to changing my alternator twice to offering me a cigarette at work because I was crying) had a blow out on the turnpike. Instead of being the person that I was about two years ago and dropping everything to drive to pick her up or to all AAA for her, I argued with my sister about how stupid it was for me to drive to Stroud, drive back to Tulsa and then drive BACK to OKC. And even as I was arguing, I was thinking "That's not the real reason I don't want to do it. I want to see Barrett for another hour, or two or three... I don't want to help my friend that needs me because I want to be selfish and kiss my boyfriend another few hundred times." And for the rest of the night, I felt pangs of guilt followed by pathetic justifications. I put my phone on vibrate so that no one would interrupt my Barrett time. How selfish is that? I know full well that my sister has been sick, that my friend is having car trouble, that another friend is desperately missing her husband and I don't want to be interrupted. I can't be bothered with their problems... I'm in too blissful a state to pay any attention to anyone else. I've also been doing things like making Barrett stay up til 4 in the morning because I want him to. No other reason. He has to work, so what?! It's my time now.

You know, I should be thanking God and I should be a BETTER person than I was before I found him. I should be grateful and show it by giving of myself even more than I did before. I should be so elated to be in this place that I have so much joy I can't help but share it with everyone around me. Instead, I'm turning into this selfish animal that couldn't care less about the people she used to love. One love should never replace the ones I loved before. (And no, that is NOT to say that I'm in love with Barrett, it's more figurative than that, so don't be like "Oh my god, she said she loves him!")

I kinda make myself a little bit sick. Let's see if we can fix this problem, shall we?

This week in Russian, we're doing the alphabet. HAHAHA!